By Kayley Erlandson
‘Twas opening night and we sat in our seats,
awaiting our campy, inevitable treat.
The theatergoers munched on their popcorn with care
and knew this quadrilogy’s end drew near.
My desire for the full Twilight experience gave me cause to purchase an opening night ticket for (possibly) the most anticipated movie of the year. Like all things ridiculous and overblown, any Twilight movie is best experienced with the target audience. I refer to this jam-packed theater of star-eyed young girls excitedly anticipating opening night of their favorite series as “the Twilight Zone.” The pun basically makes itself.
Appropriately, the movie picks up where Breaking Dawn Part 1 left off. Heartthrob Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) has fulfilled Bella’s dream and turned her into a blood-sucking vampire, which she is happy about for some reason. Before the audience can recollect the events of the previous film, Bella quenches her thirst for blood by going mano-a-mano with a mountain lion in a forest. My life now complete, I consider leaving the theater, telling myself there is no way that this movie can top a scene with Kristin Stewart wrestling a mountain lion into submission and eating it rare.
The existence of Bella and Edward’s newborn half-vampire, half-human daughter, Renesmee, infuriates the Volturi, a bunch of bossy Italian vampires who fill their days by luring tourists into their bat-cave and making facial expressions like they just walked waist-deep into a really cold pool but are trying to pretend it doesn’t bother them (see picture on left).
Because the Cullens have broken ape law by having an “immortal” child, the Volturi take some time off from standing around in black velvet capes looking creepy and make a VERY slow trek to Forks, Washington to kill Renesmee.
But the Volturi give the Cullens’ a sporting chance via the laws of plot convenience, providing Edward and Bella enough time to form an army of vampire allies to fight off the Volturi.
Seriously, it takes the Volturi several days to get there. In Twilight’s world, vampires can move at the speed of light, yet the Volturi just slowly saunter onto the battlefield like they’re on their way to the local grocery store.
Besides the general plotline, the movie falls into place with all the elegance of shaking a puzzle box and expecting it to resemble the picture on the front of the box.
Telepathic CGI werewolves!
Telepathic CGI baby!
Awkward vampire love scenes!
Jacob takes his shirt off at least once per his contract!
When the credits rolled, a group of young girls tried starting a standing ovation, their enthusiastic claps slowly fading as they realized no one was joining in.
All-in-all, I had a blast watching Breaking Dawn Part 2. I’d even say it’s a step up from Breaking Dawn Part 1. It’s more self-aware of its soap operatic tendencies this time around, actually creating some intentional laughs. The main character, Bella, forgoes her previous “damsel in distress” persona and becomes an active character.
Is it a bad movie? Definitely. But it’s so bad, it’s good.